I informed my friends that I will become a dictator. They took it in stride. If by taking it in stride you mean snorting in derision. But they were judged. Turns out it’s hard to snort in derision while drinking pop.
Apparently deciding to become an evil dictator is the easy part. There are no colleges to teach this vital skill. Some time I will send a letter to our government, addressing this gross oversight in our education system. Until then, I depend on the internet. But even there I am frustrated. All the “how to” pages are oddly sarcastic. Internet help pages just aren’t what they used to be.
But I have discovered that most dictators led foreign countries. The only conclusion: learning a foreign language is clearly a prerequisite to succeeding in this job. But what language? I don’t want to be German—spitting dogs from your mouth whenever you talk is not appealing. French? Please. We’re talking actual languages here. Norwegian sounds cool. But it’s all cold and snowy. I shall not have an icy empire. Plus, that’s like the movie Frozen. Best avoid that. Japanese and Chinese make no sense.
Spanish is common. That could be good. More potential to expand my influence. But, then, I hated Spanish in college. If I learn Spanish now, I am admitting that my teacher was right. This I cannot do. Yo no talko or reado in Spanisho again-o.
Swahili is very cool. But there haven’t been any dictators in Africa’s history. I don’t want to mess up a streak like that. But…the language sounds SO cool. Like…Avatar, but way cooler. That movie was seriously overrated. Blue people? BLUE?! Why? And what part of being one with nature means you can’t wear clothing? But I digress…
Oh, snap. I’ve got it. Afrikaans. I know what you’re thinking: “Didn’t you just say no African languages?” Well, that shows how much you know. Afrikaans has nothing to do with Africa. It’s from…the Australian Outback, I think. Don’t quote me on that. But Afrikaans is far and away the coolest sounding language there is. Sort of kind of almost English, but totally not. So it’s settled. I shall learn Afrikaans.
And that gets me wondering. What language requirements will I have when I am dictator? Well, they will have to know Afrikaans for sure. And English. Anyone who learns Spanish will be sent directly to the slammer. They’ll live on mice and gruel, along with all the orthodontists in the world.
Justice will be swift and sure in my realm. And the punishment for everything will be prison. No, no—wait for it—dungeons! There will be so many dungeons—guarded by Kimono Dragons—that people will nickname my country “The Awesome Dungeon Country.” The world will fear me. But they will respect me.
My people will also respect me. They will affectionately call me “Papa” and will hang portraits of me in full Hogwarts regalia in their houses. If they do not, they will go to the dungeon. Whenever I enter a room, an orchestra will play “Summon the Heroes” or “Ode de Freude” or “America” from West Side Story or some other similarly appropriate song.
My laws will be codified in a multi-volume set known as The Awesome Book of Rules for the World. My copies will be bound in Moroccan leather with gold-edged pages and fancy, felt markers and commentary from the greatest lawyers. And I will be the only one who has never read them. I will never have to read anything I do not want to read again.
In the following chart I have detailed an example of my fair and just laws. Keep in mind this is only a small sampling. There will be many more laws.
|Liking “Batman v. Superman,” “Sound of Music,” Disney princess movies, Phineas and Ferb, or Hallmark movies||Dungeon|
|Listening to pop music (with a few exceptions—mostly based on my current preferences)||Dungeon|
|Leaving doors wide open when exiting a room||Dungeon|
|Planting, harvesting, eating, drawing pictures of, or talking about watermelons||Dungeon|
|Doing math||Dungeon (we must raise a noble population)|
|Talking on the phone for over 1 minute||Dungeon|
|Driving slow in the LEFT LANE!||Fed to Komodo Dragons (some things even the dungeon cannot cure)|