Juliet’s Journal: How to Be an Awesome Girlfriend

I’ve been watching the clock closely for half an hour, and the moment has finally come: 8:59 p.m. E.S.T. It’s Romeo’s and my 24-hour anniversary! Romeo is the best man alive, and I am so looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him!!!!!!!!

Okay, girls, on to today’s topic. Yesterday, I taught you girls how to find your soul mate. Today, I will teach you how to keep your soul mate. It’s going to take some work, but it is totally worth it to be able to tag that awesome guy in every post you make!

So, without further ado, here are my favorite tips for being the best girlfriend in the world.

1.Make a post about your man at least every hour.

It’s a proven fact that men have short attention spans. If you are not constantly including your man in your life, he will inevitably be distracted by football and—horror of horrors—automobile engines. You are better than sports and cars, and he needs to know it. Keep those notifications popping up on his phone!

2. Use terms of endearment.

This is huge, girls. A simple way to make the posts about our men potent is to add terms of endearment. By the time a guy gets into a serious relationship, he has spent long, torturous years being called his own name (unless he was lucky enough to grow up in the South where de-individualized names such as “Bubba” are an option). He doesn’t want to hear it from you too. That’s not cool. He wants to be called the same things as all of his dating, engaged, and married friends. Here are a few of my favs:

Honey. This one is a classic. You’ve probably heard your great grandma call your great grandpa this. At first it might seem a little too antiquated, but old is all the rage right now. (Why else would we be giving babies old people’s names like Oliver and Evelyn?) Using this term will show everyone that not only is your guy pretty special, but you also have pretty good taste in trendy words.

Baby. Guys love this one. Why? Because they know us girls so well. We love babies, and if we call a guy, “Baby,” he can pretty much count on it that we love him too. For extra potency, change the y to an e. Doing so will set your man apart from all the babies, letting him know that you think he is actually cuter than any baby out there.

My man. This is probably the most powerful term of endearment you can use. When a guy sees that you’ve called him, “My man,” he will be completely and utterly smitten. He will be ready to take on all the evils of the world singlehandedly for you (mostly creepy Facebook stalkers). If anyone so much as spells your name wrong, his thumbs will be all over their social media accounts.

Additionally, this term elevates you to a higher class of women. Every girl dreams of having her very own man, but let’s be honest, actually obtaining one is easier said than done. After all, you can’t just drive to the store and buy one. (Horrible legislation, right?) And to make matters worse, we are currently experiencing the greatest man shortage the world has ever known.

(The cause of this shortage is highly debated. A spectrum of theories has arisen in recent years to explain this phenomenon, the most popular of which being alien abduction which, if you ask me, is ridiculous. We all know that playing Halo is not the same as being abducted by aliens and certainly doesn’t decrease the number of men in this world. If anything, it should bolster the male population. After all, manliness, by definition, is determined by how many levels of Call of Duty a man can beat. And trust me, girls, there is nothing more awe-inspiring than watching a man sitting cross-legged on the floor, eyes intent, thumbs pounding wildly, fighting off the evils of this universe. I’m so incredibly blessed to have a man like Romeo who spends all of his spare time standing up for freedom [or in this case sitting! 🙂 ] In my opinion, the more likely cause of the man shortage is that males have a greater susceptibility to Ebola than do women.)

Whatever the cause, the fact remains that there are not many men to be had, and so when you call your guy, “My man,” all your single girl friends will sigh in awe of your superior status.

My love. This is a great archaic term to use to signal to the world that your relationship is basically a real-life fairy tale, complete with all the eloquence of a Grace Livingston Hill novel.

3. Use clichés.

Basically, if what you have to say about your guy hasn’t been said before, it’s probably not worth saying. There may be a time and place for originality, but the realm of love is not that place. Cliché’s are the language of love. Here are a few that I like to use:

 Roses are red; violets are blue.  Poets of all ages have immortalized their love in verse. And it is only natural that you would wish to do the same, especially if you are of a poetic nature like I am. But writing poetry is hard. There are only so many words that rhyme with love. But thanks to this classic poem, anyone can immortalize her guy in verse by personalizing the ending. Here’s an example:

“Roses are Red/ Violets are blue/ Romeo, you’re awesome/  and I so totally love you!!!!!!” (Be sure to add the extra exclamation points for emphasis.)

When I look at you, my heart skips a beat. This is one of many variations you can use to describe the sensation of falling in love. When you fall in love, there is actually a G-force present, similar to that of a free fall, resulting in a physical response characterized by shortness of breath, heart palpitations, lightheadedness and/or nausea. In any other situation, these symptoms would be concerning as they could be signs of a life-threatening ailment, but in this case, coupled with the release of endorphins that make you feel happy and invincible, the symptoms become a beautiful way to express how you feel about your guy. But because of the physical nature of it all, it is especially important to use clichés in this realm. Otherwise, you might be misunderstood. For example, saying, “You make me feel like I’m dying,” or “Looking at you, I could puke,” are not especially romantic and might actually offend rather than communicate affection.

Love you to the moon and back. A full moon had long been the symbol of love (until it was hijacked by the werewolves). And thanks to Neil Armstrong, we know that it is possible to get to the moon and back. Even so, there is some controversy as to what this cliché is literally saying. Does it mean that your love is so strong that it soars to the moon and back down to earth again? Or does it mean that you love someone enough to send him to the moon and back? Or does it mean that your love is so enduring that it could survive the lack of oxygen and gravity in outer space just to get back to the one you love? I don’t know. But who cares? It sounds awesome!

 

4. Remember Special Occasions

Whether it’s his birthday, your anniversary, or there’s a dog parade that you’re going to see, use every occasion as an excuse to show the world how happy you guys are together. Make a post about everything. In the rare occasions when fate keeps you and your man apart, be sure to post about how much you miss him. Not only will your guy appreciate the publicity you give him, it will serve as a subtle reminder for him to faithfully post about you as well. And we all know that everyone loves documentation of a good love story. Keep up your posts, and you are sure to get triple digit likes.

 

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