The Uglumph


Make ready the fortress!
Gather your guns!
Stockpile your food
And the cinnamon buns!

Collect all the bedding
And fine sleeping bags.
Do not forget
“Get-out-of-jail -free” tags.

‘Cause the Uglumph is comin’.
He’s comin’ around.
He’s gonna shake up
Those who are not profound.

He’ll drink up their Pepsi.
He’ll gobble the cheese,
Fill the air full of pollen
And make us all sneeze.

And when we’re all coughing
(and wheezing and dead),
He won’t let his wickedness
Get to his head.

He’ll chase down the baddies–
All the gangs, dudes, and thugs–
Throw them over a cliff,
And burgle their krugs.

He’ll spend all his nights
Watching Andy and Bugs.
He won’t brush his teeth
Or vacuum the rugs.

He’ll play on your gameboys.
He’ll slime up your wiis.
He’ll transverse the asphalt,
Using only your skis.

He’ll eat all the donuts,
The chocolate and glazed.
He’ll stuff his gut full
Till he’s chubby and dazed.

When he fin’ly does die
(If that should come about),
It’ll only be ’cause
All the food has run out.

He’ll make our nice world
Such a horrible mess–
If you think it’s bad now,
It’ll be worth even less.

If you value your lives
(and your homes and your food),
You will listen to me,
And stop this bad dude.

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