Thank you for devoting your time to aid in the rescue of our drowning nation. As you know, the midterm elections are right around the corner, and if we are to save this Republic, there is one thing we need more than anything else: MONEY! It is your job to acquire heaps of it by any means necessary (short of breaking the law). Please review the following instructions before communicating with potential donors.

Surveys

Surveys were formerly used solely for gathering data about constituents. But we have figured out how to monetize them. Make sure that your surveys cover all the hot issues, and then for the final question ask, “What will you give?” Make it a multiple choice question with all the answers being amounts of money they can give. Specifically, DO NOT put an option for not giving. Doing this will save time in the long run. We won’t have to waste valuable time analyzing the opinions of those who don’t give.

Tips for Texting

In order to reach the younger generations coming up, it is vital to reach them via text.

Best Times for Texting

During the work day. Republicans are known for our excellent work ethic. As Americans, we have the right to work! By sending whole series of texts from our candidates during the work day, we affirm the fact that the potential donors are the ones who make America great. (They are making money they can send to us!!!!)

On the weekend. Like all Americans, Republicans enjoy having a nice weekend. Unfortunately, this tendency to rest and recreate on the weekend tends to detract from the sense of impending doom so necessary to fundraising. It becomes too easy for our potential donors to forget the dire straits our politicians are in. Remember, any one of them might not get elected! It is good and right to remind them of their civic duties.

On holidays. Some volunteers are hesitant to “bother” potential donors on a holiday. Do not be. Remember that, without Republicans, there would be no holidays—none worth celebrating, anyway.

Sunday mornings at 11:00. This is prime time for our many potential donors who are Christians. They will likely be at church during this time, free from the ordinary distractions, their hearts softened to the needs of others (i.e. our candidates). Be sure to send MULTIPLE texts (four at the very least) during the hour, particularly the second half which is typically given to the sermon. Coming in such a timely way, the texts can hardly be seen as less than a sign from God to donate to our cause.

What to Say

It can be hard to figure out what to say in a text, but the following should help you in this most noble work.

Tone

Someday perhaps we will have the budget to attach epic film scores to our texts. Until that day, it falls squarely on us to rouse fellow republicans using only our words. Be as dramatic as humanly possible. Each recipient needs to feel as though he is Frodo volunteering to take the ring to Mordor—he is the one who will singlehandly defeat Saur—er, the Democrats—by throwing a few dollars into Mount Doom.

And a good rule of thumb, USE ALL CAPS BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE.

Content

Whom to address. Some of your texts won’t need to be addressed to anyone. But for a personal touch, it is always a good call to address the text not to the recipient himself/herself, but to his/her mother. It may seem strange, but studies suggest that this “accidental” reference to one’s mother may actually stir feelings of warmth and nostalgia. That’s what we want. If we can be associated to a potential donor’s mother in his/her own mind, think how much more likely it will be that they will want to give to our candidate. If you find that this strategy doesn’t work, try addressing the text to the recipient’s father. It could be that the potential donor is a daddy’s girl/boy.

What to ask for. Sometimes it is helpful to ask for a specific sum of money. The more random the number, the more urgent the need will seem. Anyone can ask for 5, 10, 20, 50 dollars, but only people who are in true need would ask for, say, 3 or 9 dollars. A good rule of thumb is any number not divisible by 5 and under 20 dollars. (Unless you are texting for Marco Rubio; he can get away with asking for slightly larger sums, preferably $31.00.) But in general, go small. We don’t want to break the bank. Remember there are 200+ other candidates across the nation we want them to give to as well!)

A number that I personally like to use is 7. As you know, much of our conservative base is Christian, and Christians believe that every number has significance, and no number has more significance than 7, the number of perfection. It will be nearly irresistible for them to donate 7 dollars. It will be like a sign that their money will go to perfecting the union.

Types of Texts

General texts. The majority of your texts will be straightforward requests for funding, but read on for the more potent stuff.

Private, personal texts. Be sure to send out some “private, personal” texts from some of the big wigs like Nikki Haley, Donald Trump, and Ron Desantis. Include a link that will take them to a page with a pre-written letter from that particular politician and, most importantly, a place where they can securely give. Don’t worry that it is actually you that wrote the letter. (Most people will never notice.) Do send proportionally more texts from Ron Desantis—he’s the one we REALLY want to be president in 2024, but do NOT express this overtly under any circumstances! Many of our people are still fiercely loyal to Trump. We must not antagonize them before the midterms are over (or ever). We need their money! But we do want to build up Desantis’ name recognition so that when the time is right they will come to the right conclusion “on their own.”

One simple strategy is to send a “For your eyes only” confidential message from either Kevin McCarthy or Mitch McConnell.

Go-To Phrases

In case you are just really stumped, here are some phrases that always work:

• “The Left hates me.”
• “I don’t send texts like this one often.”
• “If the democrats beat us in this must-win race, it’s all over.”
• “Believe me when I say, this is the single most important thing you can do to help save America.”

For a final touch, be sure that your punctuation is not perfect so people will feel like the text is actually coming from the candidate himself/herself.

Thank you for your efforts in this, and believe me when I say, WE WILL NOT EXPERIENCE A RED WAVE WITHOUT YOUR VITAL WORK.

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Disclaimer: The author is a conservative and therefore a Republican by default. That is how she knows how *lovely* the fundraising can be.