Some time ago, two recently engaged friends of mine were looking for a house. They informed me that it is a standard practice these days to include a letter with you house offer. This struck me as slightly bizarre and awesome at the same time. Of course the the point is to show that you are a good, upstanding citizen. The house will be used for normal, decent, and human purposes. To help my friends avoid the onerous duty of writing such an introductory letter, I composed one myself, and offered it up for their use. I did this free of charge, and I think, if you peruse its content, you too will agree, that had they used this letter they would have had no difficulty in obtaining the desired house:

Mr. and Mrs. Roxbury,

We are Ansel and Barbara. We don’t necessarily expect you to know that…yet. Many people do of course. Most people. But we don’t hold it against you if you don’t. We are very famous grad students who are excited to move into your house.

We are, however, a little unhappy with some of the provisions of the house. Particularly the pecuniary arrangements. We are excited to offer a deal that should both satisfy us, and liberate you from any shameful love of filthy lucre. We propose to offer you a program, or pageant. We will declaim to you in Shakespeare or Mermish, and sing you many good songs. We will give a full production (but we would prefer that you pay the costume expenses yourself. We don’t have money flowing out of our ears. LOL) The money made from those attending said pageant may well cover some of the money you are foregoing in lowering the price of your house. Additionally, the cultural benefit of such an affair (both to yourself, and your neighbors) can hardly be overstated.

We believe that with this minor adjustment, your house will be acceptable for our consideration. We were excited about the wood floors. Another feature about which we are very excited is the bathroom. We like bathrooms. Some of the previous houses we viewed did not have them. And while some people seem to be okay with a house that has no bathroom, we have a strong preference in this direction.

Your yard is acceptable. We have only one suggestion, that could induce us to be more willing to consider it. Perhaps you could offer a gardener. We are not fond of cutting our own grass, and believe that sweat is bad for our sensitive skin which we like to keep away from the light of day.

It is good to see that there will be plenty of room for our pets. On some prior occasions we have had cause for…neighborly dissension on that score. It’s not that Mimi and Fredrick are bad fellows, but when they get excitable, they get out, and on rare occasions, eat babies—only ugly ones—so no harm done.

We would prefer our title deed on a sheet of white, ruled college paper. Make sure it mailed in a manila envelope. Manila. I do not think I can emphasize that strongly enough. If it is not manila we will be forced to discontinue business with you, and possibly call Scotland Yard.

Please consider…and accept.

Yours truly,

Ansel and Barbara

P.S. Please do not inform any of our family members that we have purchased your house. They are very weird, and we don’t like to have them around.